Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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