I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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