look no pants
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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