I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
