my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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