I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
