my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
