the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
