Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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