I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
