My nipple is on Facebook.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
