If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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