Who wears a wallet chain?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
