Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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