then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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