Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Your penis caused this!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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