I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
