You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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