She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
