I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
