drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
