I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
