Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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