Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
