I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
