you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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