watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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