I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
