Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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