so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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