It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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