He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
pop tarts are not kleenex
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
