A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
