Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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