dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
