She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
