Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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