I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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