ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
