I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
