I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
