As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
