everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
