Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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