I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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