If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
