she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
