home. puking in laundry basket.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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