If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
