before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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