Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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