She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
